The Christmas Gift 2015

December 23, 2015

The Christmas Gift 2015

_____________________________________________________________________________

This beautiful crazy family of mine will be welcoming another baby around March 22nd, 2016.

He was so unexpected, so unplanned for; the last thing that *I* wanted was to have another baby at this time in my life. I was healing and grieving and learning; how to be okay alone. After certain events last spring, I was lonely, and that loneliness brought me into a 'more than' friendship with someone, which ended in pregnancy. I feel it's unnecessary to go into more details, because they are not something anyone needs to know in order to love our family or this new baby. He will have a mother, he will have siblings, he will have grandparents and he will have his siblings father as well; to love him and care for him. He will never feel anything less than extraordinary love and acceptance. It doesn't matter where he came from or how; all that matters is he is a gift. He's a gift to all of us.

It was July 7th when I took a test that turned positive. I literally sat on the floor shaking and cried. I didn't want to be pregnant. My heart immediately turned to God and I asked him out loud through my tears "What do I do?" I felt Him everywhere in me and a peace came over me when I heard a very simple "You won't be afraid." That was all. You won't be afraid. I always find it somewhat comforting, hilarious and astonishing all at the same time that God can answer us so simply when a situation seems so complex. You won't be afraid. And so brave I became. One day I knew that I would most certainly end up doing this pregnancy 'alone'. I went to visit my sister and clear my head and she was loving on me, and picked up a pen and wrote 'no fear' along the side of my foot, not remembering the words I carried from God; I cried. The next day I had it tattooed. No fear.

I cried a lot in the beginning. I wasn't excited to be pregnant and mostly felt overwhelmed. I tried to forget most days and just let it happen, let him grow and I would find the beauty eventually. July 22nd I cried because I didn't want to be pregnant. July 23rd I cried because I started to bleed and I was afraid of losing the baby. The love grew. Responsibility for this soul was instant, but love took time. I didn't let myself feel guilty for not feeling attachment, I knew without a doubt that my mother heart would love this baby; and so I let our journey unfold.

Not only did I not want to be pregnant, but to carry another child and bringing them into the world without a loving, committed partner by my side wrenched me. I wanted nothing more than to be totally in love with a man and bring him a child, together. When I became pregnant in June I knew right away that this friendship I was in would never be that; we would never come together and love each other like that. I knew right away this would be a pregnancy that I might have support and friendship in, but I would be alone romantically. It hurt very deeply. I made a mistake with my choices. The result, a beautiful baby; but the wrong choice in when the baby would come into the world and when there was no one beside me. Many months later, this doesn't affect me anymore in such a negative or depressing way. I have only focused on the baby and taking care of myself, finding beauty and love from the simple things in life and being satisfied of where my journey is heading.

On September 29th, (Lyra's due date) the baby turned 16 weeks and so I traveled to the cities to have an ultrasound done to determine the gender. My sister Crysta came along with me and we found out baby was a boy. I was excited! Yes, I was a little hopeful baby would be a girl, but I was pretty content with either gender and not disappointed at all.

In the months of August through October a wonderful, angel of a person came into my life and for awhile I can honestly say they were my best friend. This life is so amazing and complex; but certain 'soulmates' enter our lives and they bring truths to us. Maybe eventually they have to leave, but if we let them they leave us as more grown, more complete and hopefully with more joy. This friendship brought many things into my life I'm forever grateful for. But especially that with this person's understanding of me and their words of encouragement; I was left with an acceptance and joy for this baby that is such a blessing. Also around the middle of October I started feeling his kicks and wiggles; the bonding of that is so incredible.

Around middle of November I began feeling a lot of excitement and love for this baby; to the point I am just wanting him to come into the world right now so I can see him, love him, kiss him, know him. I cannot wait to see what he looks like and love on him. I've always enjoyed being pregnant and never really had a huge urge for my baby's to come. I've always been really relaxed and wanted them to come later than their due date so I could enjoy the pregnancy longer; but with him I experience many moments of exciting anxiousness for his birth. I am so thrilled to get to love him.

So I kept this a 'secret' for quite awhile. My Instagram followers knew a long time ago, close friends, etc. I kept feeling like it just wasn't the right time, I was in no rush to tell people. I can't explain what it was but I knew I needed to have a certain 'yes' in my heart that it was time to announce. I know there will be many positive comments and excitement; along with negativity from certain people. I just don't 'care' or have any worry about any of that. I believe, just mostly the fact that this pregnancy has been 'hard' for me to accept and I've had a lot of ups and downs these last few months; I know I don't want to, nor can I, put any energy into the opinions of others. I need support and love, so I ask that if you can give that, please do. Other than that, my heart is secure in my actions, choices and forgiveness. I'm open to the future and possibilities in this baby's life; but I'm living for today and the people around me now. Most of all, he is a gift to me and I know that any other struggle will only develop my character, maturity and love for my babies and my life. Christmas seemed like the perfect time to tell the kiddos about him; a time of year that our family celebrates the gift of Grace entering the world, I can be thankful for the grace, love and support I've been given and have allowed myself to accept.

Thank you to everyone who has loved us, helped us, supported us, and never doubted me. You bring so much to my life, I'm beyond grateful.

xoxo.

Early months