My Dear Lily Flower:

you are the most precious gift that i ever coulld've  asked God for.

the evil one ripped himself into our lives and our hearts before you were even born and the effects of those sins and jars of hearts are still present today on nights like these when i just pray for a new beginning -- going back to the day of your birth because that's the start of our love.

i have never prayed, hoped, wished, regretted anything so greatly in my entire life. in fact, i don't regret anything except for the way that i started your life. you were concieved when your father and i were not living as one in Christ; and because of that we were putting all of our energy and thought into ourselves, what i thought i wanted for you, finding a home for you, our own personal dramas that would've been defeated in a second if we had ever, for one second, just have turned our lives to our loving, forgiving God. but we didn't.

you were born in a way that was far from loving, or spiritual or glorifying to God. since the day you first looked at me i knew, deep down inside that something was wrong. it shouldn't feel like this. i should love you more. we should be so much more connected than this. birth shouldn't be like this. you were more special than my heart could even imagine and even though i couldn't feel it -- i knew it. but everyone told me it was normal. everyone -- the church -- every spiritual woman -- told me that this was normal. and so on it went.  i felt a love for you that was so great -- but nothing, nothing compared to the love i should've had for you. you see, human love is great and deep and vast. but it is nothing compared to the glorious, unthinkable, ever present, super natural love of GOD. a love that i  couldn't show to you because i didn't have enough of God myself.

as time went on, i started to understand God's love for me and i grew deeper -- but as i was spiritually advancing, the world and the church all told me how to parent. they told me that spanking you when i didn't approve of your actions was okay. and when i did do something that was right in my heart (a heart that was in tune with christ), i was told that i was wrong. i felt torn and hurt and so confused. it was the worst feeling in the world to want to parent your child according to God but have the whole world tell you that you were wrong. we lived in a small town -- one that had little of god's spirit and even less of people who had ever thought that there was something more than what their parents told them. they were caught in ways of the world and so many, even to this day are tied down by chains of pattern and normal. chains that ruined your heart because we were held down by them.

our parenting ruined your heart. our food ruined your body. we unknowingly broke you. it took me two and a half years to finally realize all of it. and now, a year later -- my heart is broken when i see the entraptment in your eyes. you are being held back by chemicals that have made you into a little girl most doctors would like to diagnose with a bunch of allergies or disorders. but i know that your heart is simply being trapped by the sins of your parents.

we are in this battle -- to break those sins and use the might prayer of jesus to destroy and break the strongholds on your soul. we have been trying -- but we could do so much better.

lily, you are the most beautiful soul i will ever have the glory to know. i'm so sorry that i allowed satan to do this to us. i'm so sorry. tears well from my heart when i think of our life together. it could be so much more. it is for you, that i talk to all these women about eating right and birthing their babies in the way god intended. it is for you that i tell mothers that God desires so much more for their children than to be hit or yelled at. it is for you. it is for all the other babies and mothers out there who could end up with scars deep into their hearts.

you are so precious baby. and i'm so sorry. together, with God, we will break these chains. we will fix you. i will give up my life to fix your heart.


Popular Posts