it's just . . . Hard.

Poo. . . Ugh I've had such a hard time lately.
I want to be honest on our blog and so I'm just going to pour my heart out for a moment --
This life is so hard. Without God, I seriously would either have thrown my family away or I would've killed myself. Don't take that as I am suicidal, because I'm not. But, I fully realize that without His Grace and His love -- I couldn't do this.
Lately, I can barely do it with Him.Our family started off so broken and we have gotten better -- but there is still so much that we need to get right with God. We are trying so hard to get closer to God -- because, well, we can't do this without Him -- without ALL of Him. But it has been a humungous battle and it's only been getting          harder.

We do not have anyone there to help us. Both of our parents are off in their own desires and if they do have a relationship with God, they are basically cheating on Him. WE are the spiritual leaders for our entire family! It just . . . makes me sooooooo sad. That everyone has let us down. And no one is there for us. . .   That they are so hurt by their own choices they don't have time to Love us.

But I thank them for it. Because without their failures we wouldn't HAVE to rely on God and only God to make us feel complete and happy. We don't have the chance to fill up the void of His love with someone else. All we have is Him.

All we have. 

So this last week has been so unbelievably hard. Satan has been attacking us so, so much.

And here I am, at midnight. . . crying because I  just read a "Peaceful Home' blog where the writer insists that people use the BabyWise method and let their babies cry all by themselves. That is just . . . crazy wrong.

I hate this world.


Lord, make our family closer to you. Bring us closer. Give me the courage to be the spiritual leader when Chris can't or falls short. Let me be a truly peaceful mother. Give me your strength -- because mine will never be enough. Give me your heart. Transform me. Break me down to dust so you can build me up new and beautiful. We are here for You to use. If there is anything on our hearts that is stopping You from fully using us -- or stopping us from loving You the best we can -- than show it to the Light, bring it out so that we can see it and let it go. Thank you lord for your unfailing love -- even when we don't Love you like we should.

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